Is Your Husband Breathing?

Let me explain...

Let me explain…

This week I’m going to feature the Missouri Writers Guild Conference held in St. Louis last Friday, Saturday and Sunday. The sessions I attended, as well as keynotes from Saturday, will be covered. Since today is midweek, I thought I’d share Saturday night’s dinner conversation first. By Wednesday, we all need a break, don’t we?

For those who have never attended a conference, it is intense. There are always workshops/sessions to attend – usually 60 minutes in length from early a.m. until 4 or 5 p.m. and sometimes again in the evening.

By Saturday evening’s banquet, everyone is on brain overload and ready for anything but “work.” Our table seated seven women and one lone man, poor Bill Hopkins. Of course, Bill viewed us as his harem and reveled in his manliness. We all love Bill – he is a great sport and always fun.

This time we had Lela Davidson, Margo Dill and Robin Tidwell at our table. Each woman is funny in her own right. Put the three of them together and it’s a comedy club.

As we enjoyed dinner, the conversation turned to husbands. Five of the seven are married. Marybeth is still single and I’m a widow. I’m not sure about MB, but I laughed so hard I cried and thank God I had a Poise you know where!

Husbandly habits came up and the one-liners flowed. Like other widows, I tend to think of my Jimmy in gentler terms now that he flies with the angels. Widows forget about all the annoying habits of the human condition.

The girls brought them all back to me. Why is it when the mommy has the child it is her job, but when Daddy has the child he is “babysitting” and totally useless? You’d think the man was dealing with an alien baby!

Let’s talk table manners – why do men eat differently when out? Do they completely forget table manners when sitting at their own kitchen tables? Who is the noisiest eater at your house? Your spouse or your kids? Apparently, it is often the spouse. I chimed in about popcorn and potato chips. OMG! I couldn’t stand to listen to my spouses (2) eat snacks. Drove me up the wall.

After kids, manners and several other nuances came the bedtime ritual. I’m so relieved to find it wasn’t just me. I have always been a bedtime reader, always and forever – will never stop.

Apparently, we readers are very annoying to the other half. The light is on – they can’t sleep. Turning the pages makes too much noise – they can’t sleep. We aren’t ready to spoon with them and keep their butts warm – they can’t sleep. With the advent of ereaders, the clicking of the pages bugs the heck out of them – they can’t sleep.

On the flip side, they snore – we can’t sleep. They flip-flop all over the bed – we can’t sleep. They steal the covers – we can’t sleep. Their godawful tobacco/alcohol/pizza breath puffs directly into our nostrils – we can’t sleep for gagging.

As we ate the indescribable chocolate cake, it was apparent that all agreed. Husbands breathe – and after a few years on a bad day the poor guys don’t even breathe right.

By now, you probably see how hilarious the banquet was. I laughed, cried and crossed my legs.

I loved getting to know these women writers on a more casual basis. It was a bonus for me. They are all accomplished business women. They write and teach others about writing and success. I’ll tell you all about each one starting tomorrow.

If you have a husband, cherish him, treasure the time you have together. In the end, it is all worth it!
They may be as annoying as all get out, but they are yours!

Kiss, kiss, hug, hug to all the marrieds out there!

Miss Marly

P.S. Wouldn’t you like to know what they say about us around a banquet table?

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